TODAY Parenting Team: What I Wish I Had Known Before Bringing Home Baby...

I was always good with kids-  my entire life.
I babysat. I was a summertime Nanny. I worked in daycare at my church.
Babies and I just get each other. Must be a "needy people" thing.
But no amount of babysitting, Sunday morning nursery time or Lullaby practice can prepare you for that terrifying drive home from the Hospital with a "Baby On Board"

There is a panic that sets in.
You spend the ENTIRE drive home wondering:
"What did we forget to buy?"
"Do we have enough diapers?"
"What if s/he is allergic to our home or pets?"
"How Often Am I Supposed to Feed/Bathe/Cuddle/Swaddle/Snuggle?"
"WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?!"

It's Normal. Seriously. Every Single New Parent (and probably even experienced ones) has had those same EXACT thoughts on that excruciatingly long drive.
And that's what I wish I had known.
That its okay to have no idea what you're doing.
It's okay to panic.
It's okay to worry.
But the best resource to have to make everything better: a Community.
(like TODAY Parenting Team)

I can't even tell you how many panicked, late-night text messages and calls I made to my Mommy Friends those first few weeks.
And only a few months later, I was getting those same calls & messages from other New Moms.
& I smiled at every SINGLE one-- remembering when I was concerned about the color of her poop, if I was nursing her right or if she was eating/sleeping enough.

It's okay to be worried. 
You care. 
And when you're new at something you're allowed to "learn on the job". Using your resources is SMART-- a Community, Mommy Group/blog/page or just a close friend or co-worker.
Just for those times when you don't know what to do or if you should go into full-on panic.
Those people understand because they were in your shoes ... at one point or another.

You will suck at changing diapers at first and it will feel like brain surgery... But a few weeks-in and you won't even blink. 

You will learn when a fever means a doctors visit and when it just needs a little at home TLC -- aka snuggles and Baby Tylenol.

You will not stop breathing every time s/he bumps or bangs or falls or trips or stumbles.... Okay That one may never stop. But you do eventually realize that they survive the small stuff. They're fragile but not as easily breakable as you think.
Babies will fuss and cry. You will learn to go through the steps to try to calm them down --
diaper? check.
bottle? check.
paci? check.
teether? check....
still crying? it happens.
Sometimes they just need to snuggle and cry it out. And that's okay. 

Don't beat yourself up.
You're new. S/He's New.
You both have to get used to this new thing called "parenting" and every day it gets just a little easier and harder at the same time.
But just remind yourself to appreciate every single day. Good and Bad Days. Because eventually they will grow up and you will miss their tiny little cries and yes, even their stinky little diapers. (okay... that might be a bit of a stretch)
And remember... you're not alone.
You're NEVER alone these days with Social Media-- you LITERALLY have 24/7 access to hundreds, if not thousands, of other moms/dads who are learning right alongside you.
Its a team effort--- as Parenting should be.

A Reflection of my Father

Those of you who know me know what I'm going through...
but for those of you who don't-- I lost my father this week.

Before you go on and assume this is going to be some sappy, sad recount of my favorite memories written by the quintessential Daddy's Girl-- you're wrong.
I was not a Daddy's girl.
I loved my father but in a different kind of way.
Not because of anything my father DID... but because of the man he was.
And the man he was perplexed me.

My father was quiet, reserved, funny, soft-spoken, smart, talented and simple.
Of those, the only traits that I consider common are my humor, my intelligence -- most of which I owe to him... and my talents-- which he helped to nurture and grow as much as he possibly could.

I am loud. I am aggressive. I am spoiled. I am outspoken. I have no filter and I express my emotions as if they were on a flashing sign above my forehead.
My father was none of these things.

He liked to think before he spoke. Sometimes it felt like it took him forever to come up with a response. (forever in the mind of a young girl, that is) In many instances I actually assumed he couldn't hear me because it took him so long to respond. I was never like that.
He enjoyed the outdoors. We camped when my sister and I were younger but stopped once I reached the age where dirt and a lack of indoor plumbing became an issue. He loved it. He loved to camp and could probably have spent all of his time outside-- even in bad weather he found ways to enjoy it. I was never like that.
He preferred quiet solitude. He was not a recluse or shut-in, don't get me wrong. He just enjoyed being by himself and the peace of that. He got remarried when I was 18 (or so) and they found that comfort of being alone together. But he never sought out large crowds, or enjoyed big get togethers with friends. I was never like that.
He never shared his feelings. He didn't get mad easily and I don't really ever remember seeing him cry my entire life. He didn't even usually say "I Love You" when hanging up after a phone call. I was never like that.

I remember the first time he said "I Love You" when hanging up-- my mom and dad had just recently gotten divorced-- I was around 17. I said "I Love You" as I went to hang up -- putting the phone down to hit the "end" button-- I heard him say, softly, as the phone was a foot or so from my ear... "Love You, Too". I remember tears welled up in my eyes because I knew that wasn't something he did out of habit like most of us-- but he was genuinely trying to make me understand that he loved me, no matter what.

Despite all of our differences, he was half of me. Half of my heart.

Last March, I was 7+ months pregnant. I was at work when my dad called my cell phone to tell me he was in the hospital. I got upset and left work-- heading straight for the hospital, When he told me the doctors found a mass in his brain I assumed that it would all be okay in the end. But when the oncologist came in... my stomach dropped.
My dad was diagnosed with a Brain Tumor (GBM) and the prognosis was not good. He originally didn't want any treatment -- beyond an initial "de-bulking" surgery that only uncovered that the tumor was inoperable. I cried so much. I was pregnant with my first child and all I could think about was him missing the opportunity to meet her and be the amazing Grandfather I had watched him become with my sister's kids.
I guess I will never know exactly what changed his mind (many have suggested to me that it was my daughter's quickly approaching arrival) but he agreed to try one round of treatment-- chemo and radiation. It was so hard on him. He became frail and fragile-- something I had never associated with my tall, handsome, strong father before. I knew he wasn't going to keep going with the treatments but he was at the hospital the morning after I gave birth to welcome CD into the world.

A string of very unfortunate events landed my father in a Rehab center for the last few months of his life -- as he was not able to do most things on his own anymore.
He was already gone in a way. He didn't talk much. That was the hardest part. All I wanted was to joke with him, laugh, talk to him about his day and mine. Every time I went to visit I would PRAY that the Dad I remembered and grew up with would be in his room when I arrived-- each and every time. But he wasn't. He never was.

I lost my father this week but the man I grew up with and loved was really gone a few months ago-- and I can't decide if that is making this easier or harder on me.
I have had friends lose their parents suddenly and the shock can be the worst -- not knowing that someone is going to leave you and not remembering the last time you saw them or spoke to them or what you said. But I knew what was coming-- I may have been holding out hope for a miracle-- but I knew he was going to die. I knew for months. But when the Hospice worker called to tell me to bring my sister because he wasn't going to make it... There is nothing in this life that compares and nothing in this life that can prepare you for that moment. I couldn't catch my breath. It didn't feel real. But we were there and I held his hand as his breaths got more shallow...

But he lived a full life.
He loved and lost. He walked myself and my oldest sister down the aisle. He dropped all of us off at college and saw us all become independent adults. He met his first 4 grandchildren. He got to see a Formula 1 race-- which we all know was a big dream of his.

I will miss my father every day. Every. Single. Day.
Every time Basketball is on TV.
Every time I hear a Neil Young song... or Talking Heads, or Gillian Welch, or Alison Krauss, or The Beatles, or Frank Sinatra.
Every time I hear or see a fast car that I know he would have drooled over.
Every time I load the dishwasher. (It might be weird but he was very particular about loading the dishwasher and he taught me all of his tricks)
Every time I eat chips & salsa. (He would always sit in front of the TV with a bag of chips and a jar of salsa to watch a game or a race)
Every time I look down at my crooked pinky finger. (Its genetic. apparently)

The pain comes in waves. Debilitating waves.
In an instant. Your throat starts to close up and you feel like you can't catch you breath. Without even realizing it, there are giant tears streaming down your cheeks.
One second, you're reading a post on Facebook or watching TV and then suddenly you start looking like someone who just lost their father.

The hardest part is going on. Because no matter how dark you feel in that moment... the sun will still fall and rise, and a new day begins. The first of many to come when you feel guilty that the world keeps turning even without the man who was once my world.


Sorry if this post was depressing for anyone, but it was therapeutic for me to get these thoughts out. Almost like he could hear me.
I appreciate all of you who have prayed for me and my family. Sometimes when you lose something so important, you are reminded of all of the blessings you have--  And I am blessed with an amazing group of people around me. And for that I am thankful.

With Love, 
J.
"Rest peacefully, Daddy. We miss you."

A New Approach to New Year's Resolutions

I'm not the "Resolution" type… and by that I mean, I never follow through on my "Resolutions"

They usually last a few days… sometimes less if it is exercise related.

But this year I took a new approach.

Instead of focusing on the small things, I decided to approach 2015 with a broader perspective-- the Bigger Picture, if you will.

This year I want to be Happier with Myself.

This isn't some debbie-downer, "I hate myself" diatribe. Don't get me wrong-- I actually have a very high opinion of myself. Some might think its a little inflated but screw you.

But every single person can tell you there are things in their lives that they wish they could change and certain things that might make them happier. 

So.. here we go… Things I plan to change in 2015 to make me happier...

1) Don't talk shit about myself.

Due to a somewhat checkered past (which I will likely divulge more into in a later post)… I spent the majority of my young adulthood being very… I'm not really sure how to describe it. Very… still looking for the right word…. Self conscious? invisible? damaged?

I have since grown out of those qualities… something my mother wishes had never happened because I took the jump to the extreme. Lets just say this "change" is where I adopted my beloved biting sense of humor and lovable sarcasm. (please note the sarcasm… mom) I admit-- I can be a little harsh. Hence why being "nicer" is next on this list…

Anyway… the moral of the story is… if you think I'm mean to other people (mean in the most loving way possible in most cases) then you should see how mean I can be to myself. I am my own worst critic and since having a baby I have been pretty hard on myself. Which I have learned does NOT motivate me one bit.. hence, the resolution.

Every time I catch myself being self-critical I am going to remind myself of all of my (many) blessings and try to make those more important than my flaws. no matter how many there are…

2) Be Nicer.

Like I said, growing up wasn't easy for me. 

I was 6 feet tall at age 13. okay, maybe 14.  

I wasn't skinny. Never really have been. I have large hips and ass and small boobs. Its genetic, I know, but it wasn't really getting me lots of positive attention. I think it sparked more "man" jokes than anything--- Jo-man-na. still stings a little. 

I had awkwardly large eyes that weren't really proportional to my face for a long time. My nickname was Furby. And that damn furry creature still haunts me to this day. 

I had frizzy hair that was somewhere between wavy and curly and I had no clue what to do with it. Plus, my mom took us to Cost Cutters to get our hair done so I wasn't really getting any professional advice at that point. 

I was an athlete so I dressed down a lot.  

Basically.. I was a tom boy without ever wanting to be.
Somewhere deep down was a confident, girly girl but I never knew how to bring that out.

This is not an excuse. It is an explanation.
When I left for college I decided I didn't want to be these things anymore. I wanted to be pretty and I wanted boys to like me and I wanted people to really see me. Somehow that developed into my mostly funny, sometimes hurtful sense of humor.
I'm extremely sensitive so when I was teased growing up I would cry. Sometimes instantly. Sometimes to my mom when I got home. But over the years I learned that it hurt a whole hell of a lot less if I made fun of myself. So I did.
And then after a while I started making fun of other people-- but I truly meant it as a light-hearted joke. Over the years I admit some of those jokes weren't funny but mean and I regret that because I never mean to hurt anyone.
So in 2015 when I find myself stewing with sarcastic or caddy remarks -- I will count to 3 and remember that those words can hurt … even if they are meant light-heartedly.
Its a work in progress --- so don't go calling me out during one of my funny rants-- you'll throw off my vibe.

3) Wear Less Make-up.

If you know me, you know this is no joke.

Up until now, I have felt extremely uncomfortable going anywhere without make-up. 

I just have never been comfortable enough with my skin and my face, in general, to go out without at least a LITTLE assistance. I feel naked. I'd actually rather not wear a bra or underwear. In fact, I've gone without those things that MORE times than I've gone without make-up. TMI? my B.

But I realize now that I'm 26 years old. My skin is NEVER going to look better than it does now. So now is the time to make a change.

I plan to participate in #NoMakeUpMondays -- I just invented it.

Today is the first day. I plan to go to work (and wherever) on Monday with as LITTLE make-up as I feel comfortable with.

Today, for example, I am only wearing Tinted Moisturizer (Supergoop! CC Cream-- check it out! Its like skin crack!), Mascara, Brow Gel and Lip Gloss/Tint. 

That's Me! Without make-up. Sheesh.

It was a struggle leaving my house this morning-- admittedly 10 minutes late. I kept going back to my bathroom mirror and looking to see what else I needed but I had to keep stepping away. 

Put your hands above your head and back away!

I feel slightly liberated… and I admit it will cut about 20 minutes off my morning routine every Monday from now on… but I am not totally comfortable. I'm waiting for someone to ask me if I'm tired.

4) Be On Time.

Ok. This is really my fault but it is also genetic.

When I was younger my Dad was late for EVERYTHING. We used to tell him my after school program ended at 5-- and it actually ended at 5:30-- and I was STILL always the last kid to get picked up. No shade. I'm over it. But I promised that I would never be late because it was so annoying.

Anyways… for the majority of my young adulthood I adhered to my promise. In fact, I was actually early for almost everything -- which is good.

Somehow in my adulthood my mentality got twisted… unconsciously. I now have an altered sense of "time and space" where when I need to be somewhere at a certain time I never consider travel time. So, if I have to be at work at 9, then I feel confident in my ability to leave my house at 8:55am. Or if we have dinner at 7, don't be surprised if my ass is jumping in my car at 6:50 texting you to tell you I'm "halfway there!". Lies! All Lies!

And having a baby/child only exacerbates this issue ten-fold. Now, not only do I have to get myself ready and out the door-- I have to get a baby ready as well: changed, fed, clothed, in the car seat with a fully stocked baby bag. That adds another at LEAST 20 minutes to my routine. Hence why I am now 30 minutes late for everything.

So. From now on, I promise to be more respectful of my time and everyone else's and make attempts to be somewhere ON TIME. if not 5 minutes early. (As my old volleyball coach used to say, "If you're on time, you're late.")

5) Lastly, Do Something Every Day that makes me smile.

Ok. I can cheat on this one very easily but I promise to try not to. My baby alone makes me smile so I won't count her unlimited cuteness as this "Resolution"---

Instead, I plan to do something-- actually put effort into something each and every day that makes me smile.

This blog, for example, makes me smile because I love being able to express my thoughts and share my ideas with the world. Well, my world at least.

I also love saving money, pampering myself in some way (it could just be a mask at home or a quick toenail polish change), a good bath, some new jams on my iPhone, and sometimes-- a nice dose of retail therapy. Although, I promise to limit those retail therapy trips… You hear that, Husband?

I just think if I can go to bed at night knowing that I was genuinely happy-- even if just for a few minutes-- then I will know that day meant something and is one more step on my Happiness Journey.

Anyways, 

Thanks for listening. 

I promise to keep you all updated on my progress as the year goes on. 

I will likely have to come back to this post multiple times to remind myself of exactly what I promised to do but hopefully my loving friends, family and blog readers will hold me accountable. Just not TOO accountable, okay? I am human. Although I do have the hair of a goddess.

With Love, 

J.

What I learned from the 2015 Golden Globes

I love Awards Season. 
I am "that girl" that watches the E! Countdown Show, the E! Pre-Show, the E! Red Carpet Show ... while bouncing back and forth to the network's Red Carpet Show. I watch the ENTIRE Awards show and then usually stay up late to watch the After Show and the After After Show and the Morning After Show (not to be confused with the morning after pill. Totally different)
Then the next day I watch the TODAY show coverage and get excited for E! Fashion Police.
Get over it. I'm obsessed.

Anyways, while watching these numerous shows before this past weekend's Golden Globes, I tried to figure out why, in fact, I do give a shit about these people.
Yes, they're pretty and talented but why do I care? Well. Simple fact: I wish I could be them...

Hellooooo Glamorous Life! Believe me, I know there are drawbacks to being "famous"... but you have to admit, the benefits are TREMENDOUS!

Take Sunday's Awards show for example:
- Designers BEG these women to wear their FABULOUS (sometimes one-of-a-kind) Fashion-- and a good number of celebrities get these dresses custom made for them! (I die!)
- Jewelry Designers then offer to let them borrow MILLIONS of dollars of fine jewelry for the night.

Talk about a Pretty Woman dream scenario:

"Why, yes, Lorraine Schwartz. I would love to borrow your $4 Million Dollar creations and flaunt them around in pictures all night! What? I only have to mention your name to every single reporter who talks to me? DONE!"

 - Shoe designers send them COUNTLESS pairs of stunning (and expensive) shoes in hopes they might look AMAZING with whatever couture creation they've decided to wear.
- Then they ride in a limo... walk the Red Carpet surrounded by other beautiful people... enjoy a fancy night... some even take home an award or two... and then they get to go to the after party and get completely hammered with those other beautiful people.
(Basically its like a college sorority function on beautiful, million dollar crack. But without the ACTUAL crack. Unless someone brought crack-- which is likely. Crack is Whack!)

So... this year I decided to try something new. I decided to look at those celebrities as if they were regular people. (Seems trivial but it was eye opening)
Here is what I learned:

1) Most Celebrities don't do well with Live TV:

         In this case, these are TV and Film Actors: They are VERY talented at learning and reciting lines and conveying emotion, etc. etc.
         HOWEVER, when it comes to LIVE TV most of these Celebrities either come off as
A) Personality-less Snobs, B) Blubbering Idiots, C) Bumbling Fools, or D) Just plain UN-interesting.
        I've worked in TV (ok, it was local news... but it was still TV)-- and I can tell you... not everyone is cut out for Live TV. Not even some of the people on Live TV.

If you have no filter-- you're out!
If you have a nervous tick-- you're out!
If you sweat a lot-- you're out! 

         I actually get disappointed when celebrities get on Live TV and look ridiculous. It kind of ruins the facade they had going with me. I prefer to think you're perfect.
         I think it would all work out better if they walked the Red Carpet in character. The girls of "Orange is the New Black" sporting their orange jumpsuits, shuffling around the Red Carpet with their homemade shivs. Or Reese Witherspoon hikes her way up the carpet wearing her giant hitchiking pack with leaves and twigs all up in her hair. And we all know Jennifer Aniston really just needs to live her life as "Rachel" because it would make a whole lot of people VERY happy.
       Here's what I learned: I don't really like your REAL personality that much-- I prefer your TV personality better. Thanks.
       

2) These People need to invest in some Crest White Strips:

          I can't even. These people are Millionaires. Some are Billionaires. How hard is it to get your Assistant's Assistant to run down to CVS and pick up some Crest White Strips. Girl, You are going to be on national television. No one wants to know how many cups of coffee you had that day. I expect you to be paying out the a** for professional whitening. 

         I don't mess around with funky teeth. I should be staring at your mouth thinking, "DAMN! Those pearly whites would glow in the dark" or "If her private plane sunk to the bottom of the ocean we'd be able to find the wreckage by locating the glare off her teeth."... ESPECIALLY if you have the balls to wear Red Lipstick. No everybody can pull that off... but unless you have white teeth those chompers are going to look like you're a pack-a-day smoker…. Lorde.

3) It appears that the majority of these people HATE these events, so why do they even go?:

        Admit it, those Celebrities hate Awards shows. They would much rather just get the Award delivered to them by UPS while laying around their million dollar mansions in their pajamas. Many of them even say on TV that they don't like getting ready, doing the whole Red Carpet Press Tour, then being on national television where everything you say, do, wear, eat, etc. is being criticized.

        On one hand, I get it.

        But on the other hand... I tell them to get the F*** over it! You're currently wearing millions of dollars on your body, you get to play dress-up for a few hours and then go back to your real life. 

It's every 5-year-old's dream.

4) If I have never seen the movie, it will likely win. Odds improve if I've never even HEARD of it:

      I admit, I have not seen a lot of movies since having CD. By that I mean, I think I've seen 4 movies in the last year. HOWEVER, I do keep up with my TODAY show and know what movies are coming out... 

       So... imagine my surprise when at EVERY SINGLE AWARDS SHOW the winners are usually films I have never even heard of. And most of the time, I've never even heard of the actors who win. Guess I'm a little more out-of-touch than I care to admit.

5) Does anyone actually give a shit about the awards part of the evening?:

        Back in the day, the Awards were the big part of the evening. Wondering which hard working Actor or Actress would bring home the year's biggest honor... blah blah blah

        Now, all people care about is the fashion. I know the Actors appreciate the accolades and some movie-fanatics actually think the awards are meaningful but in the long run... they don't matter. The movie has already left the theater... The actors got their big pay day and they're on to the next.

       The Fashion has taken over. Those are the Awards that matter now.

       There are more "Red Carpet" pre-shows on TV than I can even count! Once the awards are handed out they are BACK ON talking about what people wore and where the party is. At the end of the day... I care more about who was chosen Best Dressed and Worst Dressed on E! Fashion Police than who actually took home a Golden Globe.

       Honestly, why not skip the 3-hour awards show and just have these famous people walk in and out of the building. It would save money and allow me to observe my 9pm bedtime.

6) There is NO WAY all of these people actually get along this well:

     Hollywood is like any workplace. You work with 100 different people on 50 different jobs. Most of them KNOW each other or have worked together at some point.
     But like any workplace, there HAS to be people that don't get along. Fake Friends. Back Stabbers. Gossips. Tattle Tales. Brown Nosers. Annoying ones.
      That's the kind of thing I want to see! I want to know who annoys George Clooney to no end. I want Katherine Heigl to talk shit about her former co-stars (just like Shonda Rhimes talked shit about her from her Grey's days) I want to know what Jennifer Aniston REALLY thinks about that husband-stealing hussie. and I want her to call out Brad for being a sleeze. (a hot sleeze. but a sleeze, none the less)
     I guess I'm just addicted to the drama. Obvi.

FYI: If you're interested in my fashion point-of-view… I loved the looks on the Red Carpet this year!

I love love love love LOVE the new trend of pants on the Red Carpet. Emma Stone KILLED it with this  Lanvin embellished pantsuit-- and I die for the bow on her hip! It definitely makes the outfit dressier and therefore more appropriate for the Red Carpet. Lorde's outfit from Narciso Rodriguez was a little too casual and plain to get my vote for best dressed BUT I do love how she incorporated the Crop Top trend and made the outfit more feminine with that strip of skin.

Silver dresses were so hot on the Red Carpet this Award's show and I love it! These women look fabulous in the metallic and it is so versatile. Red and White were also among the hottest colors on the runway this time-- there was a sort of surprising lack of color though. 

Jenna Dewan Tatum and Naomi Watts wore yellow, Kerry Washington wore a two-toned structure dress and Lupita Nyong'o wore purple but none of them were jaw dropping to me.

Worst Dressed of the Night?
Hands down… Amal Clooney and Kiera Knightley.

Amal- you get credit for trying the "understated" look since you were supporting your husband on his Big Night-- however, this is your DEBUT as the new Mrs. Clooney. You were supposed to rock my socks off. The dress is Dior so I can't argue there but those GLOVES are pure madness. Whoever told you that was a good idea was lying. They look bulky and old fashioned and I hate them. The purse, obviously chosen to match the gloves, was a horrible idea but you do get props for the "Je suis Charlie" button. I hear you, girl.
And Kiera- you are a Red Carpet PRO. You have killed it in years past! Just because you're pregnant does NOT mean you get to dress like an Amish woman. That bib is sickening to me and those ruffled layers along the bottom are hideous. I know its Chanel so I'm basically going against the fashion gods here but even the Runway version of this outfit was atrocious.

Please… tell me who looks at this HIDEOUS school-girl outfit from the 1800s look and says… Hmm I think this would be fabulous on the Red Carpet at the Golden Globes!
No one! That's who.

Your stylist should be shot.
okay, that was a bit harsh…

Your stylist should be fired and publicly shamed.










Those are my thoughts for now.
Stay Tuned.

With Love, 
J.

Farewell Corporate America

Today is my last day in Corporate America-- at least for the foreseeable future.
And I am pumped to kick off my sensible shoes, throw out the pantyhose and lock my "business" attire up in some hidden closet.
I can't even explain how excited I am that my new job allows me to wear yoga pants to work! 
It is a dream come true.

Now that I am reflecting on my past 1.5 years here and my 3 years at another "corporate-style" company, I have identified some MAJOR problems with the way these places handle things.

To start off:
WHY IS THERE NEVER ANY COFFEE?
I feel like I have brewed 1000 pots of coffee in my 550 (some-odd) days here...  and yet every single time I go up to our "coffee station" the pot is empty. bone dry.
or even worse-- some selfish co-worker has sucked it down to the last few drops and were not polite enough to make more. Hence, tricking me into thinking there is some hot caffination waiting for me... when my hopes and dreams are shattered to see that last of the pot barely equals a half-a-cup.
(This happened to me this VERY morning. on my last day. Hence why it has taken the top spot in my rant. fresh feelings)

Next up,
WHY IS THERE ALWAYS A TECHNOLOGICAL ISSUE UP IN THIS PLACE?
Our company is currently owned by one of the richest men in America-- he owns DOZENS of companies and has countless employees across the country (and probably around the world)...
SO why is it that we can't get some proper STINKIN' equipment
Something is always broke.
Phones. Internet. Email. Printer. Copier. Printer, Email & Copier.
Excuse me Mr. Bossman-- but if you want people to do their jobs mayyyybee they need functioning equipment.
Just a pointer.
Man-to-Man.

Thirdly...
WHY IS THE OFFICE ALWAYS LIKE A GROWN UP VERSION OF HIGH SCHOOL?
There are the popular kids who everyone wants to go to lunch with.
There are the numbers nerds who generally hang out together and talk about research and data together. (you know who I'm talking about... don't you?)
There is the office gossip who always seems to know (and WANT to know) everything.(ps- thats me)
then... There is the office tattle-tale who is super annoying and once they get a hold of any good/juicy rumors (true or false) they immediately go and gossip with management about it.
And... There are the laid back people who are super chill and you just know they are "toking" on their lunch breaks but you don't bring it up because you don't wanna be a narc.
(just to name a few)
I didn't really like this structure in High School... but that was because I was a weird looking, sporty dork.
Now, the tables have turned-- so I enjoy it much more. The Grass is, in fact, greener on the other side.
Just sayin'

Fourth...
WHY IS EVERYONE SO DAMN LAZY?
I have literally seen a co-worker make her "support person" stand next to her desk while they listen to her voice mails on speaker phone and take notes...
I have seen a co-worker CALL another person and ask them to print something off for them-- that they could have easily accessed on their computer and printed themselves... and it would have taken LESS TIME!

You get a pay check to complete a list of tasks-- if you have enough time to do it yourself, just freakin' do it! (Unless you pay an ACTUAL assistant-- in which case their job is kind of to do whatever you want... so that's their fault for taking the job)

And... Finally...
WHY IS THERE NEVER ANY FUN?
I think my least favorite part of Corporate America is the lack of fun.
Some days I come in to my office and its cold, and silent and all you can hear is people typing.
click click click clickclickclickclick
Super creepy. Like a horror movie about computers coming alive and brainwashing everyone.
I have been called the life of the party MULTIPLE times! (especially when it comes to the office)
and I've even had co-workers say "It is going to be so boring when you leave"...
But, to me, that is just a sad statement?
Am I really the only fun person in this ENTIRE office? Am I the only one who can crack a joke at the appropriate (and inappropriate) times?
I think the pantyhose has some other office mates feeling a bit strangled.
Let loose, people.
Work doesn't have to be boring and slow and awful.
I actually enjoy coming to work mostly because I love being able to chat and joke with my coworkers... while also being productive. I'm a multi-tasker. What can I say?

Well, farewell Corporate America.
You have treated me well but I am looking forward to no longer having a "business" dress code, morning meetings, sales quotas and corporate visitors.
Now, I'm off to greener pastures.
Proudly wearing my yoga pants.

With Love, 
J.

2014: A Year in Review

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Holiday Delay

Call me what you want.
Lazy.
Flaky.
Spacey.
Kevin Spacey.

But… my unfortunate delay in posting the past week is simple and clear…
I was drunk.

(Hahaha just kidding.)

The Holidays get me every year.
That's why I send out my Christmas cards at the end of November and my Thank You notes NEVER get out before mid-January.
Its like a big party followed by one massive hangover.

Let me explain...

First, there is the early December drag:

This occurs the first week or so of December, when things at work start to slow down. 

The Type-A people around the world use this slow-down to get a head-start: 

These are the people who actually went shopping on Thanksgiving AND Black Friday. They buy all of their presents early so they can be wrapped under the tree for no less than 5 weeks. 

Speaking of trees....yes! There is already a tree! Its been in the living room since the weekend after Thanksgiving (sometimes earlier). It was decorated in less than 24 hours and there is "greenery" placed on any and every flat surface in your home that isn't moving. They probably even tackled the outdoor lights because heaven forbid your home doesn't look like a Christmas tree on the inside AND outside!

My life doesn't usually go this way.... Shocker...We usually end up buying a tree about 2 weeks into December. My husband insists on getting a live one. Yipee!... (please note my sarcasm...)
It takes us usually about 12 days to finish the tree...
That includes the 2-3 days it takes my husband to move the tree inside (Last year he left it outside so long it died... we had to get a 2nd tree. Yipee!)... Then 3 days later we put lights up.... 2 days later I put the ribbon on it... and 3 days after that we finally get around to hanging ornaments.
And yes, world. I wrap all of my presents on Christmas Eve.
"Why?"
Because I generally don't buy them until the day before Christmas Eve.
Don't hate. I'm a procrastinator when it comes to shopping. Like... if it were acceptable... everyone would get their gifts from me in January. Or February. Or for their birthday....

Second, there is the ACTUAL Holiday:

From about December 20th on... don't count on anything being simple, fast or easy. Because guess what?--- the ENTIRE WORLD (or country... or whatever) has checked out! 

Don't get me wrong--- they are usually still running around like chickens with their heads cut off... but they aren't busy with work... nope. 

They are running errands, cleaning their house for company, cleaning their cars for road trips, getting gas, running to-and-from the grocery store... every.single.day.

But... The "Holiday Season" has begun and that means the entire world has basically hit the slow motion video button on my iPhone. 

Like it is impossible for people to put out any more energy until the New Year... 

when apparently a magic reset button makes everyone happy, healthy and productive again.

Third, The First Stage of the Holiday Hangover:

This is a big one. On December 25th-- at about 4:00 pm-- when the family is gone and the food has been devoured... There is this creepy calm. And then... BOOM! Hangover.

Not only do you have to clean 100000000000 dishes from Christmas brunch/lunch/dinner but you have to clean up the living room-- which has now become a graveyard for wrapping paper, boxes and gift packaging. It is everywhere. 

THEN you have to figure out where to put all this SHIT. (We literally have an entire Babies-R-Us aisle in our living room... and I'm actually running out of space in CD's closet. And it is bigger than mine!) 

If you manage to finish all of this before December 26th... you're lucky.

But then comes the really sucky part....

Having to go back to work and return to your normal -- once productive--- life for 3-4 days.

Are you serious!?!? 

I just spent 4 days in my pajamas opening presents, drinking, and eating a disgusting (I mean appalling) amount of food. And NOW you expect me to put back on my work clothes that no longer fit (thank GOD for Maternity pants!!) and sit at my office pretending to do work for 3-4 days ... Just so I can do it all over again on New Year's.

The Answer is NO!

Finally, New Year & New You:

Whether you "work" on New Year's Eve or not--- once 5:00pm hits its like you just got out of school for summer. Time to get all "dolled-up" and hit the town with your besties.

OR... in parent world... 

You cook dinner, go about your normal nightly routine -- praying the baby doesn't stay up past her bedtime-- and then you fall asleep on your couch holding a glass of champagne, wearing some ridiculous hat -- because you and your "significant other" pretended you were going to stay up until the ball drops. Not. Gonna. Happen.

Once the house is quiet and the baby is asleep its only a matter of time til my eyelids drop. permanently.

Then... you wake up feeling either ACTUALLY hungover... or somehow refreshed and renewed. Like your body and mind somehow reset and you're a new person.

NEWSFLASH. You are unfortunately still the same person you were 8 hours ago. Nothing changed. There is no magic "New Year" reset. The only thing that changed is possibly your blood alcohol level. Sorry to break it to you.

The celebrating is over. 

No more paid Holidays at work until Memorial Day. (which is in May... are you depressed now?)

Well since you're already depressed.... 

Now its time to make unrealistic goals for yourself for the new year. 

"Why?" -- you ask

Well because you don't feel bad enough about yourself... why not sit around for a few days examining ALL of your flaws and try to find ways to improve yourself. 

"It worked out SO WELL for you last year didn't it?" 

Wait... your resolution last year was to quit drinking, smoking, and lose 25 lbs-- and you didn't do it? Well at least you have THIS YEAR to let yourself down again.

I'm a little more realistic with my goals for 2015:

1) Don't Die. 

2) Keep my child alive and in one piece. 

Done! 

- I'm not going to lose weight ... so why lie to myself? Its actually more likely that I'm going to gain weight. Eh. I like to eat.

- I'm not going to join a gym and get healthy because ... I'm broke. 

- I'm not going to quit drinking because I like it...

and because my friends are really good at peer pressure so it wouldn't last more than 3 days. 

(Why 3 days, you ask? because all of my (and my husband's) college friends are coming into town for a post-New Year's/Birthday party Downtown and I already promised to quote, "pop bottles" The babysitter is already lined up so this is officially Mama's First (full)Night Out since CD was born. I'm already planning on throwing up somewhere public! Happy Birthday, G! )

And why is it that everyone waits until New Year to make a change?

Find the thing that makes you happy and DO IT!

If you hate your job, find a new one.

If you're overweight or just unhappy with your body quit eating junk. (easier said than done, I know)

Don't wait until the New Year to make things better for you and your loved ones.

Just DO IT!

It is simple.

A New Year is just a perfect opportunity to make those changes-- but it doesn't matter if you start on a Monday, the 1st of the Month or even TOMORROW. 

Sit down and find out what is going to make you a happier person. Then go DO IT.

Simple. and Sweet.

Oh, and HAPPY HOLIDAYS! 

With Love, 

J.