I am "that girl" that watches the E! Countdown Show, the E! Pre-Show, the E! Red Carpet Show ... while bouncing back and forth to the network's Red Carpet Show. I watch the ENTIRE Awards show and then usually stay up late to watch the After Show and the After After Show and the Morning After Show (not to be confused with the morning after pill. Totally different)
Then the next day I watch the TODAY show coverage and get excited for E! Fashion Police.
Get over it. I'm obsessed.
Anyways, while watching these numerous shows before this past weekend's Golden Globes, I tried to figure out why, in fact, I do give a shit about these people.
Yes, they're pretty and talented but why do I care? Well. Simple fact: I wish I could be them...
Hellooooo Glamorous Life! Believe me, I know there are drawbacks to being "famous"... but you have to admit, the benefits are TREMENDOUS!
Take Sunday's Awards show for example:
- Designers BEG these women to wear their FABULOUS (sometimes one-of-a-kind) Fashion-- and a good number of celebrities get these dresses custom made for them! (I die!)
- Jewelry Designers then offer to let them borrow MILLIONS of dollars of fine jewelry for the night.
Talk about a Pretty Woman dream scenario:
"Why, yes, Lorraine Schwartz. I would love to borrow your $4 Million Dollar creations and flaunt them around in pictures all night! What? I only have to mention your name to every single reporter who talks to me? DONE!"- Shoe designers send them COUNTLESS pairs of stunning (and expensive) shoes in hopes they might look AMAZING with whatever couture creation they've decided to wear.
- Then they ride in a limo... walk the Red Carpet surrounded by other beautiful people... enjoy a fancy night... some even take home an award or two... and then they get to go to the after party and get completely hammered with those other beautiful people.
(Basically its like a college sorority function on beautiful, million dollar crack. But without the ACTUAL crack. Unless someone brought crack-- which is likely. Crack is Whack!)
So... this year I decided to try something new. I decided to look at those celebrities as if they were regular people. (Seems trivial but it was eye opening)
Here is what I learned:
1) Most Celebrities don't do well with Live TV:
In this case, these are TV and Film Actors: They are VERY talented at learning and reciting lines and conveying emotion, etc. etc.HOWEVER, when it comes to LIVE TV most of these Celebrities either come off as
A) Personality-less Snobs, B) Blubbering Idiots, C) Bumbling Fools, or D) Just plain UN-interesting.
I've worked in TV (ok, it was local news... but it was still TV)-- and I can tell you... not everyone is cut out for Live TV. Not even some of the people on Live TV.
If you have no filter-- you're out!I actually get disappointed when celebrities get on Live TV and look ridiculous. It kind of ruins the facade they had going with me. I prefer to think you're perfect.
If you have a nervous tick-- you're out!
If you sweat a lot-- you're out!
I think it would all work out better if they walked the Red Carpet in character. The girls of "Orange is the New Black" sporting their orange jumpsuits, shuffling around the Red Carpet with their homemade shivs. Or Reese Witherspoon hikes her way up the carpet wearing her giant hitchiking pack with leaves and twigs all up in her hair. And we all know Jennifer Aniston really just needs to live her life as "Rachel" because it would make a whole lot of people VERY happy.
Here's what I learned: I don't really like your REAL personality that much-- I prefer your TV personality better. Thanks.
2) These People need to invest in some Crest White Strips:
I can't even. These people are Millionaires. Some are Billionaires. How hard is it to get your Assistant's Assistant to run down to CVS and pick up some Crest White Strips. Girl, You are going to be on national television. No one wants to know how many cups of coffee you had that day. I expect you to be paying out the a** for professional whitening.
I don't mess around with funky teeth. I should be staring at your mouth thinking, "DAMN! Those pearly whites would glow in the dark" or "If her private plane sunk to the bottom of the ocean we'd be able to find the wreckage by locating the glare off her teeth."... ESPECIALLY if you have the balls to wear Red Lipstick. No everybody can pull that off... but unless you have white teeth those chompers are going to look like you're a pack-a-day smoker…. Lorde.
3) It appears that the majority of these people HATE these events, so why do they even go?:
Admit it, those Celebrities hate Awards shows. They would much rather just get the Award delivered to them by UPS while laying around their million dollar mansions in their pajamas. Many of them even say on TV that they don't like getting ready, doing the whole Red Carpet Press Tour, then being on national television where everything you say, do, wear, eat, etc. is being criticized.
On one hand, I get it.
But on the other hand... I tell them to get the F*** over it! You're currently wearing millions of dollars on your body, you get to play dress-up for a few hours and then go back to your real life.
It's every 5-year-old's dream.
4) If I have never seen the movie, it will likely win. Odds improve if I've never even HEARD of it:
I admit, I have not seen a lot of movies since having CD. By that I mean, I think I've seen 4 movies in the last year. HOWEVER, I do keep up with my TODAY show and know what movies are coming out...
So... imagine my surprise when at EVERY SINGLE AWARDS SHOW the winners are usually films I have never even heard of. And most of the time, I've never even heard of the actors who win. Guess I'm a little more out-of-touch than I care to admit.
5) Does anyone actually give a shit about the awards part of the evening?:
Back in the day, the Awards were the big part of the evening. Wondering which hard working Actor or Actress would bring home the year's biggest honor... blah blah blah
Now, all people care about is the fashion. I know the Actors appreciate the accolades and some movie-fanatics actually think the awards are meaningful but in the long run... they don't matter. The movie has already left the theater... The actors got their big pay day and they're on to the next.
The Fashion has taken over. Those are the Awards that matter now.
There are more "Red Carpet" pre-shows on TV than I can even count! Once the awards are handed out they are BACK ON talking about what people wore and where the party is. At the end of the day... I care more about who was chosen Best Dressed and Worst Dressed on E! Fashion Police than who actually took home a Golden Globe.
Honestly, why not skip the 3-hour awards show and just have these famous people walk in and out of the building. It would save money and allow me to observe my 9pm bedtime.
6) There is NO WAY all of these people actually get along this well:
Hollywood is like any workplace. You work with 100 different people on 50 different jobs. Most of them KNOW each other or have worked together at some point.But like any workplace, there HAS to be people that don't get along. Fake Friends. Back Stabbers. Gossips. Tattle Tales. Brown Nosers. Annoying ones.
That's the kind of thing I want to see! I want to know who annoys George Clooney to no end. I want Katherine Heigl to talk shit about her former co-stars (just like Shonda Rhimes talked shit about her from her Grey's days) I want to know what Jennifer Aniston REALLY thinks about that husband-stealing hussie. and I want her to call out Brad for being a sleeze. (a hot sleeze. but a sleeze, none the less)
I guess I'm just addicted to the drama. Obvi.
FYI: If you're interested in my fashion point-of-view… I loved the looks on the Red Carpet this year!
Silver dresses were so hot on the Red Carpet this Award's show and I love it! These women look fabulous in the metallic and it is so versatile. Red and White were also among the hottest colors on the runway this time-- there was a sort of surprising lack of color though.
Jenna Dewan Tatum and Naomi Watts wore yellow, Kerry Washington wore a two-toned structure dress and Lupita Nyong'o wore purple but none of them were jaw dropping to me.
Worst Dressed of the Night?
Hands down… Amal Clooney and Kiera Knightley.
Amal- you get credit for trying the "understated" look since you were supporting your husband on his Big Night-- however, this is your DEBUT as the new Mrs. Clooney. You were supposed to rock my socks off. The dress is Dior so I can't argue there but those GLOVES are pure madness. Whoever told you that was a good idea was lying. They look bulky and old fashioned and I hate them. The purse, obviously chosen to match the gloves, was a horrible idea but you do get props for the "Je suis Charlie" button. I hear you, girl.
And Kiera- you are a Red Carpet PRO. You have killed it in years past! Just because you're pregnant does NOT mean you get to dress like an Amish woman. That bib is sickening to me and those ruffled layers along the bottom are hideous. I know its Chanel so I'm basically going against the fashion gods here but even the Runway version of this outfit was atrocious.
Please… tell me who looks at this HIDEOUS school-girl outfit from the 1800s look and says… Hmm I think this would be fabulous on the Red Carpet at the Golden Globes!
No one! That's who.
Your stylist should be shot.
okay, that was a bit harsh…
Your stylist should be fired and publicly shamed.
Those are my thoughts for now.
Stay Tuned.
With Love,
J.
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