Farewell Corporate America

Today is my last day in Corporate America-- at least for the foreseeable future.
And I am pumped to kick off my sensible shoes, throw out the pantyhose and lock my "business" attire up in some hidden closet.
I can't even explain how excited I am that my new job allows me to wear yoga pants to work! 
It is a dream come true.

Now that I am reflecting on my past 1.5 years here and my 3 years at another "corporate-style" company, I have identified some MAJOR problems with the way these places handle things.

To start off:
WHY IS THERE NEVER ANY COFFEE?
I feel like I have brewed 1000 pots of coffee in my 550 (some-odd) days here...  and yet every single time I go up to our "coffee station" the pot is empty. bone dry.
or even worse-- some selfish co-worker has sucked it down to the last few drops and were not polite enough to make more. Hence, tricking me into thinking there is some hot caffination waiting for me... when my hopes and dreams are shattered to see that last of the pot barely equals a half-a-cup.
(This happened to me this VERY morning. on my last day. Hence why it has taken the top spot in my rant. fresh feelings)

Next up,
WHY IS THERE ALWAYS A TECHNOLOGICAL ISSUE UP IN THIS PLACE?
Our company is currently owned by one of the richest men in America-- he owns DOZENS of companies and has countless employees across the country (and probably around the world)...
SO why is it that we can't get some proper STINKIN' equipment
Something is always broke.
Phones. Internet. Email. Printer. Copier. Printer, Email & Copier.
Excuse me Mr. Bossman-- but if you want people to do their jobs mayyyybee they need functioning equipment.
Just a pointer.
Man-to-Man.

Thirdly...
WHY IS THE OFFICE ALWAYS LIKE A GROWN UP VERSION OF HIGH SCHOOL?
There are the popular kids who everyone wants to go to lunch with.
There are the numbers nerds who generally hang out together and talk about research and data together. (you know who I'm talking about... don't you?)
There is the office gossip who always seems to know (and WANT to know) everything.(ps- thats me)
then... There is the office tattle-tale who is super annoying and once they get a hold of any good/juicy rumors (true or false) they immediately go and gossip with management about it.
And... There are the laid back people who are super chill and you just know they are "toking" on their lunch breaks but you don't bring it up because you don't wanna be a narc.
(just to name a few)
I didn't really like this structure in High School... but that was because I was a weird looking, sporty dork.
Now, the tables have turned-- so I enjoy it much more. The Grass is, in fact, greener on the other side.
Just sayin'

Fourth...
WHY IS EVERYONE SO DAMN LAZY?
I have literally seen a co-worker make her "support person" stand next to her desk while they listen to her voice mails on speaker phone and take notes...
I have seen a co-worker CALL another person and ask them to print something off for them-- that they could have easily accessed on their computer and printed themselves... and it would have taken LESS TIME!

You get a pay check to complete a list of tasks-- if you have enough time to do it yourself, just freakin' do it! (Unless you pay an ACTUAL assistant-- in which case their job is kind of to do whatever you want... so that's their fault for taking the job)

And... Finally...
WHY IS THERE NEVER ANY FUN?
I think my least favorite part of Corporate America is the lack of fun.
Some days I come in to my office and its cold, and silent and all you can hear is people typing.
click click click clickclickclickclick
Super creepy. Like a horror movie about computers coming alive and brainwashing everyone.
I have been called the life of the party MULTIPLE times! (especially when it comes to the office)
and I've even had co-workers say "It is going to be so boring when you leave"...
But, to me, that is just a sad statement?
Am I really the only fun person in this ENTIRE office? Am I the only one who can crack a joke at the appropriate (and inappropriate) times?
I think the pantyhose has some other office mates feeling a bit strangled.
Let loose, people.
Work doesn't have to be boring and slow and awful.
I actually enjoy coming to work mostly because I love being able to chat and joke with my coworkers... while also being productive. I'm a multi-tasker. What can I say?

Well, farewell Corporate America.
You have treated me well but I am looking forward to no longer having a "business" dress code, morning meetings, sales quotas and corporate visitors.
Now, I'm off to greener pastures.
Proudly wearing my yoga pants.

With Love, 
J.

How to: Survive the Office Holiday party

It's December. And I don't need to tell all of you what that involves-- you're not idiots.

But for those of us who have entered the working world there is a new annual commitment (or two) that you must now conquer.

The Office Holiday Party...

And The Office Secret Santa.

(just kidding)

Up until now when these occasions popped up they involve either Family or Friends. Which gives you license to be as last-minute, cheap, lazy and/or in appropriate as you do choose.

EXAMPLE:

Secret Santa with your friends, you draw:
your gay bestie: obvious options: lube, flavored lube, a SAMs club container of hair gel or a pug t-shirt (because you know him THAT well)
your straight bestie: Wanna suck up? get a Kate Spade purse. Want to see if she's really your friend for the right reasons? Give her your old (used) iPhone case.
your bestie's significant other: embarrassing and incriminating photos from their partner's youthful escapades
your husband: remind him that you carried his child for 40 weeks and that's gift enough for at LEAST 18 years.

Secret Santa at work, you draw:
your deskmate: you either get A) too personal (ex: panties), inappropriate (ex:vibrator) or presumptuous (ex:liquor... Maybe she went to Liberty University)
your office "stoner": I feel like a subscription to "High Times" might blow their cover
your boss: a "World's Best Boss" mug is really the only way to go with this one. Its a lie and all... but 'tis the season and Fa La La La... blah blah blah.

So what are your other options?

 ....other than a plethora of Gift Card options because that requires ZERO creativity, thought or risk (Who the hells knows? I saw her drink Starbucks once... $5 gift card it is! And a Venti Iced Breve Vanilla Latte with 2 Splendas)

("Mm Starbucks...")

20 minutes later... Starbucks in hand.

Now to the real point of this entry...

Surviving the Office Holiday Party

I don't care how close and friendly you are with your co-workers ...
THIS IS DANGEROUS WATER.
It's your boss.
Your bosses boss.
And in some cases, the office party-pooper.

(AKA a "chatty Kathy" who eavesdrops and inserts herself into conversations just to stir the pot...) 

So you're out with your "friends" and "non-friends"... and alcohol is everywhere...
Yet somehow people expect you NOT to embarrass yourself? Psshhht. Fools.

In my somewhat limited experience with Office Holiday Gatherings I have learned a few crucial pointers for surviving relatively unscathed.

Step 1: Eat.
As if college taught you NOTHING! You can NOT drink on an empty stomach. That is not a good way to kick this whole thing off.
If there is food at your office party then go ahead and have one or two plate-fulls before you go ham at the bar. If there is NOT food, you need to be prepared-- eat a big lunch, bring money to the party in case food is available for purchase, or just pull a pack of crackers out of your purse. Don't pretend like that is the weirdest thing that's in your purse either.

Step 2: Be Early.
If you show up to your party on time, or even a little early, you are going to be there for the most boring part which makes you less interested in staying. If you show up halfway through and everyone is smashed and having fun then you're obviously going to want to stay for awhile. Get there early and let the boredom seep into your pores -- giving you the desire to get out of there as soon as possible.

Step 3: Leave Early.
Once you get a buzz going-- give yourself a firm smack across the face, order a water, wait the appropriate amount of time to sober up and then LEAVE. The longer you stay the more opportunities you have to embarrass the FUCK out of yourself.

Don't believe me?Let me tell you something...(remember...According to my Southern Slang Dictionary:  "I am about to tell you why you're wrong and I'm right. Don't argue. Just shut up and listen.") 

Just this past Thursday, our office had its annual holiday party. I went over early to help with the "set-up"-- AKA the person who planned the party needed help carrying everything in. I had a few drinks by the time the entire office made it to the party... and I had used MORE than my fair share of drink tickets! At the point I realized I was getting to be the drunkest person in the room... and everyone else noticed too-- I ordered myself a water, waited about an hour and then hoofed it on out of there. (Mind you, this was 7:00pm -- my bedtime is usually around 8:30pm.)
The next morning I come into the office-- prepared to get bombarded with stories about how tipsy I acted and claims that I should not having driven home-- when come to find out another co-worker surpassed my drunkenness after I left. Out of respect for that beloved person, nobody really spoke much about it in the office... its not really a big deal in my office anyways. Lets be honest. But I was glad that no one recalled my tipsy-ness.

Step 4: Watch Your Mouth.
If you're like me, and you tend to get a bit chatty (or chattier...) when you drink... watch yo' self! Know your limits. Otherwise you're 4-drinks-deep and you're pouring your heart out to your boss about your marital issues and telling the HR Director about that time in college you smoked pot. This is not confession. Keep that shit to yourself. and if you can't do it while drinking... don't drink around your co-workers.

Step 5: Don't be a bitch.
This is more of a general life rule. Just apply it to every situation. Including this one.


The Holidays are always a tough season -- with all of the sugar, body issues and family drama-- but trying to navigate the season without lasting effects on your working relationships can be a tricky tricky thing. Otherwise you're gonna be referred to as the "Office Drunk" for the next 12 months until someone else has the ability to over-drink themselves head first into the restaurant toilet.

Best of Luck to you all!
& Happy Holidays! 

With Love, 
J.