A New Approach to New Year's Resolutions

I'm not the "Resolution" type… and by that I mean, I never follow through on my "Resolutions"

They usually last a few days… sometimes less if it is exercise related.

But this year I took a new approach.

Instead of focusing on the small things, I decided to approach 2015 with a broader perspective-- the Bigger Picture, if you will.

This year I want to be Happier with Myself.

This isn't some debbie-downer, "I hate myself" diatribe. Don't get me wrong-- I actually have a very high opinion of myself. Some might think its a little inflated but screw you.

But every single person can tell you there are things in their lives that they wish they could change and certain things that might make them happier. 

So.. here we go… Things I plan to change in 2015 to make me happier...

1) Don't talk shit about myself.

Due to a somewhat checkered past (which I will likely divulge more into in a later post)… I spent the majority of my young adulthood being very… I'm not really sure how to describe it. Very… still looking for the right word…. Self conscious? invisible? damaged?

I have since grown out of those qualities… something my mother wishes had never happened because I took the jump to the extreme. Lets just say this "change" is where I adopted my beloved biting sense of humor and lovable sarcasm. (please note the sarcasm… mom) I admit-- I can be a little harsh. Hence why being "nicer" is next on this list…

Anyway… the moral of the story is… if you think I'm mean to other people (mean in the most loving way possible in most cases) then you should see how mean I can be to myself. I am my own worst critic and since having a baby I have been pretty hard on myself. Which I have learned does NOT motivate me one bit.. hence, the resolution.

Every time I catch myself being self-critical I am going to remind myself of all of my (many) blessings and try to make those more important than my flaws. no matter how many there are…

2) Be Nicer.

Like I said, growing up wasn't easy for me. 

I was 6 feet tall at age 13. okay, maybe 14.  

I wasn't skinny. Never really have been. I have large hips and ass and small boobs. Its genetic, I know, but it wasn't really getting me lots of positive attention. I think it sparked more "man" jokes than anything--- Jo-man-na. still stings a little. 

I had awkwardly large eyes that weren't really proportional to my face for a long time. My nickname was Furby. And that damn furry creature still haunts me to this day. 

I had frizzy hair that was somewhere between wavy and curly and I had no clue what to do with it. Plus, my mom took us to Cost Cutters to get our hair done so I wasn't really getting any professional advice at that point. 

I was an athlete so I dressed down a lot.  

Basically.. I was a tom boy without ever wanting to be.
Somewhere deep down was a confident, girly girl but I never knew how to bring that out.

This is not an excuse. It is an explanation.
When I left for college I decided I didn't want to be these things anymore. I wanted to be pretty and I wanted boys to like me and I wanted people to really see me. Somehow that developed into my mostly funny, sometimes hurtful sense of humor.
I'm extremely sensitive so when I was teased growing up I would cry. Sometimes instantly. Sometimes to my mom when I got home. But over the years I learned that it hurt a whole hell of a lot less if I made fun of myself. So I did.
And then after a while I started making fun of other people-- but I truly meant it as a light-hearted joke. Over the years I admit some of those jokes weren't funny but mean and I regret that because I never mean to hurt anyone.
So in 2015 when I find myself stewing with sarcastic or caddy remarks -- I will count to 3 and remember that those words can hurt … even if they are meant light-heartedly.
Its a work in progress --- so don't go calling me out during one of my funny rants-- you'll throw off my vibe.

3) Wear Less Make-up.

If you know me, you know this is no joke.

Up until now, I have felt extremely uncomfortable going anywhere without make-up. 

I just have never been comfortable enough with my skin and my face, in general, to go out without at least a LITTLE assistance. I feel naked. I'd actually rather not wear a bra or underwear. In fact, I've gone without those things that MORE times than I've gone without make-up. TMI? my B.

But I realize now that I'm 26 years old. My skin is NEVER going to look better than it does now. So now is the time to make a change.

I plan to participate in #NoMakeUpMondays -- I just invented it.

Today is the first day. I plan to go to work (and wherever) on Monday with as LITTLE make-up as I feel comfortable with.

Today, for example, I am only wearing Tinted Moisturizer (Supergoop! CC Cream-- check it out! Its like skin crack!), Mascara, Brow Gel and Lip Gloss/Tint. 

That's Me! Without make-up. Sheesh.

It was a struggle leaving my house this morning-- admittedly 10 minutes late. I kept going back to my bathroom mirror and looking to see what else I needed but I had to keep stepping away. 

Put your hands above your head and back away!

I feel slightly liberated… and I admit it will cut about 20 minutes off my morning routine every Monday from now on… but I am not totally comfortable. I'm waiting for someone to ask me if I'm tired.

4) Be On Time.

Ok. This is really my fault but it is also genetic.

When I was younger my Dad was late for EVERYTHING. We used to tell him my after school program ended at 5-- and it actually ended at 5:30-- and I was STILL always the last kid to get picked up. No shade. I'm over it. But I promised that I would never be late because it was so annoying.

Anyways… for the majority of my young adulthood I adhered to my promise. In fact, I was actually early for almost everything -- which is good.

Somehow in my adulthood my mentality got twisted… unconsciously. I now have an altered sense of "time and space" where when I need to be somewhere at a certain time I never consider travel time. So, if I have to be at work at 9, then I feel confident in my ability to leave my house at 8:55am. Or if we have dinner at 7, don't be surprised if my ass is jumping in my car at 6:50 texting you to tell you I'm "halfway there!". Lies! All Lies!

And having a baby/child only exacerbates this issue ten-fold. Now, not only do I have to get myself ready and out the door-- I have to get a baby ready as well: changed, fed, clothed, in the car seat with a fully stocked baby bag. That adds another at LEAST 20 minutes to my routine. Hence why I am now 30 minutes late for everything.

So. From now on, I promise to be more respectful of my time and everyone else's and make attempts to be somewhere ON TIME. if not 5 minutes early. (As my old volleyball coach used to say, "If you're on time, you're late.")

5) Lastly, Do Something Every Day that makes me smile.

Ok. I can cheat on this one very easily but I promise to try not to. My baby alone makes me smile so I won't count her unlimited cuteness as this "Resolution"---

Instead, I plan to do something-- actually put effort into something each and every day that makes me smile.

This blog, for example, makes me smile because I love being able to express my thoughts and share my ideas with the world. Well, my world at least.

I also love saving money, pampering myself in some way (it could just be a mask at home or a quick toenail polish change), a good bath, some new jams on my iPhone, and sometimes-- a nice dose of retail therapy. Although, I promise to limit those retail therapy trips… You hear that, Husband?

I just think if I can go to bed at night knowing that I was genuinely happy-- even if just for a few minutes-- then I will know that day meant something and is one more step on my Happiness Journey.

Anyways, 

Thanks for listening. 

I promise to keep you all updated on my progress as the year goes on. 

I will likely have to come back to this post multiple times to remind myself of exactly what I promised to do but hopefully my loving friends, family and blog readers will hold me accountable. Just not TOO accountable, okay? I am human. Although I do have the hair of a goddess.

With Love, 

J.

What I learned from the 2015 Golden Globes

I love Awards Season. 
I am "that girl" that watches the E! Countdown Show, the E! Pre-Show, the E! Red Carpet Show ... while bouncing back and forth to the network's Red Carpet Show. I watch the ENTIRE Awards show and then usually stay up late to watch the After Show and the After After Show and the Morning After Show (not to be confused with the morning after pill. Totally different)
Then the next day I watch the TODAY show coverage and get excited for E! Fashion Police.
Get over it. I'm obsessed.

Anyways, while watching these numerous shows before this past weekend's Golden Globes, I tried to figure out why, in fact, I do give a shit about these people.
Yes, they're pretty and talented but why do I care? Well. Simple fact: I wish I could be them...

Hellooooo Glamorous Life! Believe me, I know there are drawbacks to being "famous"... but you have to admit, the benefits are TREMENDOUS!

Take Sunday's Awards show for example:
- Designers BEG these women to wear their FABULOUS (sometimes one-of-a-kind) Fashion-- and a good number of celebrities get these dresses custom made for them! (I die!)
- Jewelry Designers then offer to let them borrow MILLIONS of dollars of fine jewelry for the night.

Talk about a Pretty Woman dream scenario:

"Why, yes, Lorraine Schwartz. I would love to borrow your $4 Million Dollar creations and flaunt them around in pictures all night! What? I only have to mention your name to every single reporter who talks to me? DONE!"

 - Shoe designers send them COUNTLESS pairs of stunning (and expensive) shoes in hopes they might look AMAZING with whatever couture creation they've decided to wear.
- Then they ride in a limo... walk the Red Carpet surrounded by other beautiful people... enjoy a fancy night... some even take home an award or two... and then they get to go to the after party and get completely hammered with those other beautiful people.
(Basically its like a college sorority function on beautiful, million dollar crack. But without the ACTUAL crack. Unless someone brought crack-- which is likely. Crack is Whack!)

So... this year I decided to try something new. I decided to look at those celebrities as if they were regular people. (Seems trivial but it was eye opening)
Here is what I learned:

1) Most Celebrities don't do well with Live TV:

         In this case, these are TV and Film Actors: They are VERY talented at learning and reciting lines and conveying emotion, etc. etc.
         HOWEVER, when it comes to LIVE TV most of these Celebrities either come off as
A) Personality-less Snobs, B) Blubbering Idiots, C) Bumbling Fools, or D) Just plain UN-interesting.
        I've worked in TV (ok, it was local news... but it was still TV)-- and I can tell you... not everyone is cut out for Live TV. Not even some of the people on Live TV.

If you have no filter-- you're out!
If you have a nervous tick-- you're out!
If you sweat a lot-- you're out! 

         I actually get disappointed when celebrities get on Live TV and look ridiculous. It kind of ruins the facade they had going with me. I prefer to think you're perfect.
         I think it would all work out better if they walked the Red Carpet in character. The girls of "Orange is the New Black" sporting their orange jumpsuits, shuffling around the Red Carpet with their homemade shivs. Or Reese Witherspoon hikes her way up the carpet wearing her giant hitchiking pack with leaves and twigs all up in her hair. And we all know Jennifer Aniston really just needs to live her life as "Rachel" because it would make a whole lot of people VERY happy.
       Here's what I learned: I don't really like your REAL personality that much-- I prefer your TV personality better. Thanks.
       

2) These People need to invest in some Crest White Strips:

          I can't even. These people are Millionaires. Some are Billionaires. How hard is it to get your Assistant's Assistant to run down to CVS and pick up some Crest White Strips. Girl, You are going to be on national television. No one wants to know how many cups of coffee you had that day. I expect you to be paying out the a** for professional whitening. 

         I don't mess around with funky teeth. I should be staring at your mouth thinking, "DAMN! Those pearly whites would glow in the dark" or "If her private plane sunk to the bottom of the ocean we'd be able to find the wreckage by locating the glare off her teeth."... ESPECIALLY if you have the balls to wear Red Lipstick. No everybody can pull that off... but unless you have white teeth those chompers are going to look like you're a pack-a-day smoker…. Lorde.

3) It appears that the majority of these people HATE these events, so why do they even go?:

        Admit it, those Celebrities hate Awards shows. They would much rather just get the Award delivered to them by UPS while laying around their million dollar mansions in their pajamas. Many of them even say on TV that they don't like getting ready, doing the whole Red Carpet Press Tour, then being on national television where everything you say, do, wear, eat, etc. is being criticized.

        On one hand, I get it.

        But on the other hand... I tell them to get the F*** over it! You're currently wearing millions of dollars on your body, you get to play dress-up for a few hours and then go back to your real life. 

It's every 5-year-old's dream.

4) If I have never seen the movie, it will likely win. Odds improve if I've never even HEARD of it:

      I admit, I have not seen a lot of movies since having CD. By that I mean, I think I've seen 4 movies in the last year. HOWEVER, I do keep up with my TODAY show and know what movies are coming out... 

       So... imagine my surprise when at EVERY SINGLE AWARDS SHOW the winners are usually films I have never even heard of. And most of the time, I've never even heard of the actors who win. Guess I'm a little more out-of-touch than I care to admit.

5) Does anyone actually give a shit about the awards part of the evening?:

        Back in the day, the Awards were the big part of the evening. Wondering which hard working Actor or Actress would bring home the year's biggest honor... blah blah blah

        Now, all people care about is the fashion. I know the Actors appreciate the accolades and some movie-fanatics actually think the awards are meaningful but in the long run... they don't matter. The movie has already left the theater... The actors got their big pay day and they're on to the next.

       The Fashion has taken over. Those are the Awards that matter now.

       There are more "Red Carpet" pre-shows on TV than I can even count! Once the awards are handed out they are BACK ON talking about what people wore and where the party is. At the end of the day... I care more about who was chosen Best Dressed and Worst Dressed on E! Fashion Police than who actually took home a Golden Globe.

       Honestly, why not skip the 3-hour awards show and just have these famous people walk in and out of the building. It would save money and allow me to observe my 9pm bedtime.

6) There is NO WAY all of these people actually get along this well:

     Hollywood is like any workplace. You work with 100 different people on 50 different jobs. Most of them KNOW each other or have worked together at some point.
     But like any workplace, there HAS to be people that don't get along. Fake Friends. Back Stabbers. Gossips. Tattle Tales. Brown Nosers. Annoying ones.
      That's the kind of thing I want to see! I want to know who annoys George Clooney to no end. I want Katherine Heigl to talk shit about her former co-stars (just like Shonda Rhimes talked shit about her from her Grey's days) I want to know what Jennifer Aniston REALLY thinks about that husband-stealing hussie. and I want her to call out Brad for being a sleeze. (a hot sleeze. but a sleeze, none the less)
     I guess I'm just addicted to the drama. Obvi.

FYI: If you're interested in my fashion point-of-view… I loved the looks on the Red Carpet this year!

I love love love love LOVE the new trend of pants on the Red Carpet. Emma Stone KILLED it with this  Lanvin embellished pantsuit-- and I die for the bow on her hip! It definitely makes the outfit dressier and therefore more appropriate for the Red Carpet. Lorde's outfit from Narciso Rodriguez was a little too casual and plain to get my vote for best dressed BUT I do love how she incorporated the Crop Top trend and made the outfit more feminine with that strip of skin.

Silver dresses were so hot on the Red Carpet this Award's show and I love it! These women look fabulous in the metallic and it is so versatile. Red and White were also among the hottest colors on the runway this time-- there was a sort of surprising lack of color though. 

Jenna Dewan Tatum and Naomi Watts wore yellow, Kerry Washington wore a two-toned structure dress and Lupita Nyong'o wore purple but none of them were jaw dropping to me.

Worst Dressed of the Night?
Hands down… Amal Clooney and Kiera Knightley.

Amal- you get credit for trying the "understated" look since you were supporting your husband on his Big Night-- however, this is your DEBUT as the new Mrs. Clooney. You were supposed to rock my socks off. The dress is Dior so I can't argue there but those GLOVES are pure madness. Whoever told you that was a good idea was lying. They look bulky and old fashioned and I hate them. The purse, obviously chosen to match the gloves, was a horrible idea but you do get props for the "Je suis Charlie" button. I hear you, girl.
And Kiera- you are a Red Carpet PRO. You have killed it in years past! Just because you're pregnant does NOT mean you get to dress like an Amish woman. That bib is sickening to me and those ruffled layers along the bottom are hideous. I know its Chanel so I'm basically going against the fashion gods here but even the Runway version of this outfit was atrocious.

Please… tell me who looks at this HIDEOUS school-girl outfit from the 1800s look and says… Hmm I think this would be fabulous on the Red Carpet at the Golden Globes!
No one! That's who.

Your stylist should be shot.
okay, that was a bit harsh…

Your stylist should be fired and publicly shamed.










Those are my thoughts for now.
Stay Tuned.

With Love, 
J.

Farewell Corporate America

Today is my last day in Corporate America-- at least for the foreseeable future.
And I am pumped to kick off my sensible shoes, throw out the pantyhose and lock my "business" attire up in some hidden closet.
I can't even explain how excited I am that my new job allows me to wear yoga pants to work! 
It is a dream come true.

Now that I am reflecting on my past 1.5 years here and my 3 years at another "corporate-style" company, I have identified some MAJOR problems with the way these places handle things.

To start off:
WHY IS THERE NEVER ANY COFFEE?
I feel like I have brewed 1000 pots of coffee in my 550 (some-odd) days here...  and yet every single time I go up to our "coffee station" the pot is empty. bone dry.
or even worse-- some selfish co-worker has sucked it down to the last few drops and were not polite enough to make more. Hence, tricking me into thinking there is some hot caffination waiting for me... when my hopes and dreams are shattered to see that last of the pot barely equals a half-a-cup.
(This happened to me this VERY morning. on my last day. Hence why it has taken the top spot in my rant. fresh feelings)

Next up,
WHY IS THERE ALWAYS A TECHNOLOGICAL ISSUE UP IN THIS PLACE?
Our company is currently owned by one of the richest men in America-- he owns DOZENS of companies and has countless employees across the country (and probably around the world)...
SO why is it that we can't get some proper STINKIN' equipment
Something is always broke.
Phones. Internet. Email. Printer. Copier. Printer, Email & Copier.
Excuse me Mr. Bossman-- but if you want people to do their jobs mayyyybee they need functioning equipment.
Just a pointer.
Man-to-Man.

Thirdly...
WHY IS THE OFFICE ALWAYS LIKE A GROWN UP VERSION OF HIGH SCHOOL?
There are the popular kids who everyone wants to go to lunch with.
There are the numbers nerds who generally hang out together and talk about research and data together. (you know who I'm talking about... don't you?)
There is the office gossip who always seems to know (and WANT to know) everything.(ps- thats me)
then... There is the office tattle-tale who is super annoying and once they get a hold of any good/juicy rumors (true or false) they immediately go and gossip with management about it.
And... There are the laid back people who are super chill and you just know they are "toking" on their lunch breaks but you don't bring it up because you don't wanna be a narc.
(just to name a few)
I didn't really like this structure in High School... but that was because I was a weird looking, sporty dork.
Now, the tables have turned-- so I enjoy it much more. The Grass is, in fact, greener on the other side.
Just sayin'

Fourth...
WHY IS EVERYONE SO DAMN LAZY?
I have literally seen a co-worker make her "support person" stand next to her desk while they listen to her voice mails on speaker phone and take notes...
I have seen a co-worker CALL another person and ask them to print something off for them-- that they could have easily accessed on their computer and printed themselves... and it would have taken LESS TIME!

You get a pay check to complete a list of tasks-- if you have enough time to do it yourself, just freakin' do it! (Unless you pay an ACTUAL assistant-- in which case their job is kind of to do whatever you want... so that's their fault for taking the job)

And... Finally...
WHY IS THERE NEVER ANY FUN?
I think my least favorite part of Corporate America is the lack of fun.
Some days I come in to my office and its cold, and silent and all you can hear is people typing.
click click click clickclickclickclick
Super creepy. Like a horror movie about computers coming alive and brainwashing everyone.
I have been called the life of the party MULTIPLE times! (especially when it comes to the office)
and I've even had co-workers say "It is going to be so boring when you leave"...
But, to me, that is just a sad statement?
Am I really the only fun person in this ENTIRE office? Am I the only one who can crack a joke at the appropriate (and inappropriate) times?
I think the pantyhose has some other office mates feeling a bit strangled.
Let loose, people.
Work doesn't have to be boring and slow and awful.
I actually enjoy coming to work mostly because I love being able to chat and joke with my coworkers... while also being productive. I'm a multi-tasker. What can I say?

Well, farewell Corporate America.
You have treated me well but I am looking forward to no longer having a "business" dress code, morning meetings, sales quotas and corporate visitors.
Now, I'm off to greener pastures.
Proudly wearing my yoga pants.

With Love, 
J.

2014: A Year in Review

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Holiday Delay

Call me what you want.
Lazy.
Flaky.
Spacey.
Kevin Spacey.

But… my unfortunate delay in posting the past week is simple and clear…
I was drunk.

(Hahaha just kidding.)

The Holidays get me every year.
That's why I send out my Christmas cards at the end of November and my Thank You notes NEVER get out before mid-January.
Its like a big party followed by one massive hangover.

Let me explain...

First, there is the early December drag:

This occurs the first week or so of December, when things at work start to slow down. 

The Type-A people around the world use this slow-down to get a head-start: 

These are the people who actually went shopping on Thanksgiving AND Black Friday. They buy all of their presents early so they can be wrapped under the tree for no less than 5 weeks. 

Speaking of trees....yes! There is already a tree! Its been in the living room since the weekend after Thanksgiving (sometimes earlier). It was decorated in less than 24 hours and there is "greenery" placed on any and every flat surface in your home that isn't moving. They probably even tackled the outdoor lights because heaven forbid your home doesn't look like a Christmas tree on the inside AND outside!

My life doesn't usually go this way.... Shocker...We usually end up buying a tree about 2 weeks into December. My husband insists on getting a live one. Yipee!... (please note my sarcasm...)
It takes us usually about 12 days to finish the tree...
That includes the 2-3 days it takes my husband to move the tree inside (Last year he left it outside so long it died... we had to get a 2nd tree. Yipee!)... Then 3 days later we put lights up.... 2 days later I put the ribbon on it... and 3 days after that we finally get around to hanging ornaments.
And yes, world. I wrap all of my presents on Christmas Eve.
"Why?"
Because I generally don't buy them until the day before Christmas Eve.
Don't hate. I'm a procrastinator when it comes to shopping. Like... if it were acceptable... everyone would get their gifts from me in January. Or February. Or for their birthday....

Second, there is the ACTUAL Holiday:

From about December 20th on... don't count on anything being simple, fast or easy. Because guess what?--- the ENTIRE WORLD (or country... or whatever) has checked out! 

Don't get me wrong--- they are usually still running around like chickens with their heads cut off... but they aren't busy with work... nope. 

They are running errands, cleaning their house for company, cleaning their cars for road trips, getting gas, running to-and-from the grocery store... every.single.day.

But... The "Holiday Season" has begun and that means the entire world has basically hit the slow motion video button on my iPhone. 

Like it is impossible for people to put out any more energy until the New Year... 

when apparently a magic reset button makes everyone happy, healthy and productive again.

Third, The First Stage of the Holiday Hangover:

This is a big one. On December 25th-- at about 4:00 pm-- when the family is gone and the food has been devoured... There is this creepy calm. And then... BOOM! Hangover.

Not only do you have to clean 100000000000 dishes from Christmas brunch/lunch/dinner but you have to clean up the living room-- which has now become a graveyard for wrapping paper, boxes and gift packaging. It is everywhere. 

THEN you have to figure out where to put all this SHIT. (We literally have an entire Babies-R-Us aisle in our living room... and I'm actually running out of space in CD's closet. And it is bigger than mine!) 

If you manage to finish all of this before December 26th... you're lucky.

But then comes the really sucky part....

Having to go back to work and return to your normal -- once productive--- life for 3-4 days.

Are you serious!?!? 

I just spent 4 days in my pajamas opening presents, drinking, and eating a disgusting (I mean appalling) amount of food. And NOW you expect me to put back on my work clothes that no longer fit (thank GOD for Maternity pants!!) and sit at my office pretending to do work for 3-4 days ... Just so I can do it all over again on New Year's.

The Answer is NO!

Finally, New Year & New You:

Whether you "work" on New Year's Eve or not--- once 5:00pm hits its like you just got out of school for summer. Time to get all "dolled-up" and hit the town with your besties.

OR... in parent world... 

You cook dinner, go about your normal nightly routine -- praying the baby doesn't stay up past her bedtime-- and then you fall asleep on your couch holding a glass of champagne, wearing some ridiculous hat -- because you and your "significant other" pretended you were going to stay up until the ball drops. Not. Gonna. Happen.

Once the house is quiet and the baby is asleep its only a matter of time til my eyelids drop. permanently.

Then... you wake up feeling either ACTUALLY hungover... or somehow refreshed and renewed. Like your body and mind somehow reset and you're a new person.

NEWSFLASH. You are unfortunately still the same person you were 8 hours ago. Nothing changed. There is no magic "New Year" reset. The only thing that changed is possibly your blood alcohol level. Sorry to break it to you.

The celebrating is over. 

No more paid Holidays at work until Memorial Day. (which is in May... are you depressed now?)

Well since you're already depressed.... 

Now its time to make unrealistic goals for yourself for the new year. 

"Why?" -- you ask

Well because you don't feel bad enough about yourself... why not sit around for a few days examining ALL of your flaws and try to find ways to improve yourself. 

"It worked out SO WELL for you last year didn't it?" 

Wait... your resolution last year was to quit drinking, smoking, and lose 25 lbs-- and you didn't do it? Well at least you have THIS YEAR to let yourself down again.

I'm a little more realistic with my goals for 2015:

1) Don't Die. 

2) Keep my child alive and in one piece. 

Done! 

- I'm not going to lose weight ... so why lie to myself? Its actually more likely that I'm going to gain weight. Eh. I like to eat.

- I'm not going to join a gym and get healthy because ... I'm broke. 

- I'm not going to quit drinking because I like it...

and because my friends are really good at peer pressure so it wouldn't last more than 3 days. 

(Why 3 days, you ask? because all of my (and my husband's) college friends are coming into town for a post-New Year's/Birthday party Downtown and I already promised to quote, "pop bottles" The babysitter is already lined up so this is officially Mama's First (full)Night Out since CD was born. I'm already planning on throwing up somewhere public! Happy Birthday, G! )

And why is it that everyone waits until New Year to make a change?

Find the thing that makes you happy and DO IT!

If you hate your job, find a new one.

If you're overweight or just unhappy with your body quit eating junk. (easier said than done, I know)

Don't wait until the New Year to make things better for you and your loved ones.

Just DO IT!

It is simple.

A New Year is just a perfect opportunity to make those changes-- but it doesn't matter if you start on a Monday, the 1st of the Month or even TOMORROW. 

Sit down and find out what is going to make you a happier person. Then go DO IT.

Simple. and Sweet.

Oh, and HAPPY HOLIDAYS! 

With Love, 

J.

How to: Survive the Office Holiday party

It's December. And I don't need to tell all of you what that involves-- you're not idiots.

But for those of us who have entered the working world there is a new annual commitment (or two) that you must now conquer.

The Office Holiday Party...

And The Office Secret Santa.

(just kidding)

Up until now when these occasions popped up they involve either Family or Friends. Which gives you license to be as last-minute, cheap, lazy and/or in appropriate as you do choose.

EXAMPLE:

Secret Santa with your friends, you draw:
your gay bestie: obvious options: lube, flavored lube, a SAMs club container of hair gel or a pug t-shirt (because you know him THAT well)
your straight bestie: Wanna suck up? get a Kate Spade purse. Want to see if she's really your friend for the right reasons? Give her your old (used) iPhone case.
your bestie's significant other: embarrassing and incriminating photos from their partner's youthful escapades
your husband: remind him that you carried his child for 40 weeks and that's gift enough for at LEAST 18 years.

Secret Santa at work, you draw:
your deskmate: you either get A) too personal (ex: panties), inappropriate (ex:vibrator) or presumptuous (ex:liquor... Maybe she went to Liberty University)
your office "stoner": I feel like a subscription to "High Times" might blow their cover
your boss: a "World's Best Boss" mug is really the only way to go with this one. Its a lie and all... but 'tis the season and Fa La La La... blah blah blah.

So what are your other options?

 ....other than a plethora of Gift Card options because that requires ZERO creativity, thought or risk (Who the hells knows? I saw her drink Starbucks once... $5 gift card it is! And a Venti Iced Breve Vanilla Latte with 2 Splendas)

("Mm Starbucks...")

20 minutes later... Starbucks in hand.

Now to the real point of this entry...

Surviving the Office Holiday Party

I don't care how close and friendly you are with your co-workers ...
THIS IS DANGEROUS WATER.
It's your boss.
Your bosses boss.
And in some cases, the office party-pooper.

(AKA a "chatty Kathy" who eavesdrops and inserts herself into conversations just to stir the pot...) 

So you're out with your "friends" and "non-friends"... and alcohol is everywhere...
Yet somehow people expect you NOT to embarrass yourself? Psshhht. Fools.

In my somewhat limited experience with Office Holiday Gatherings I have learned a few crucial pointers for surviving relatively unscathed.

Step 1: Eat.
As if college taught you NOTHING! You can NOT drink on an empty stomach. That is not a good way to kick this whole thing off.
If there is food at your office party then go ahead and have one or two plate-fulls before you go ham at the bar. If there is NOT food, you need to be prepared-- eat a big lunch, bring money to the party in case food is available for purchase, or just pull a pack of crackers out of your purse. Don't pretend like that is the weirdest thing that's in your purse either.

Step 2: Be Early.
If you show up to your party on time, or even a little early, you are going to be there for the most boring part which makes you less interested in staying. If you show up halfway through and everyone is smashed and having fun then you're obviously going to want to stay for awhile. Get there early and let the boredom seep into your pores -- giving you the desire to get out of there as soon as possible.

Step 3: Leave Early.
Once you get a buzz going-- give yourself a firm smack across the face, order a water, wait the appropriate amount of time to sober up and then LEAVE. The longer you stay the more opportunities you have to embarrass the FUCK out of yourself.

Don't believe me?Let me tell you something...(remember...According to my Southern Slang Dictionary:  "I am about to tell you why you're wrong and I'm right. Don't argue. Just shut up and listen.") 

Just this past Thursday, our office had its annual holiday party. I went over early to help with the "set-up"-- AKA the person who planned the party needed help carrying everything in. I had a few drinks by the time the entire office made it to the party... and I had used MORE than my fair share of drink tickets! At the point I realized I was getting to be the drunkest person in the room... and everyone else noticed too-- I ordered myself a water, waited about an hour and then hoofed it on out of there. (Mind you, this was 7:00pm -- my bedtime is usually around 8:30pm.)
The next morning I come into the office-- prepared to get bombarded with stories about how tipsy I acted and claims that I should not having driven home-- when come to find out another co-worker surpassed my drunkenness after I left. Out of respect for that beloved person, nobody really spoke much about it in the office... its not really a big deal in my office anyways. Lets be honest. But I was glad that no one recalled my tipsy-ness.

Step 4: Watch Your Mouth.
If you're like me, and you tend to get a bit chatty (or chattier...) when you drink... watch yo' self! Know your limits. Otherwise you're 4-drinks-deep and you're pouring your heart out to your boss about your marital issues and telling the HR Director about that time in college you smoked pot. This is not confession. Keep that shit to yourself. and if you can't do it while drinking... don't drink around your co-workers.

Step 5: Don't be a bitch.
This is more of a general life rule. Just apply it to every situation. Including this one.


The Holidays are always a tough season -- with all of the sugar, body issues and family drama-- but trying to navigate the season without lasting effects on your working relationships can be a tricky tricky thing. Otherwise you're gonna be referred to as the "Office Drunk" for the next 12 months until someone else has the ability to over-drink themselves head first into the restaurant toilet.

Best of Luck to you all!
& Happy Holidays! 

With Love, 
J.

Would Virginia Really Qualify As The "Deep South"?

I named my Blog "Deep South Sass"-- if you didn't already know what you're reading, now you do! (so subscribe!)
I already explained the Sass part…
But what about the "Deep South"?

Geographically, Virginia is not located in the deep south… we're more like the Upper South, or Middle East Coast...
Exhibit A:

But… when you LIVE in the South the meaning of "Deep South" has nothing to do with Geography.

Its more of a way of life.

To live in the "Deep South" means:

"Where things most often thought of as 'Southern' exist in their most concentrated form." -Wikipedia (credible, I know)

 So… I guess I should identify what things are affiliated with being "Southern".
Ok. No Problem.
(Google. Google. Goooogle. Eugooglizer… haha Zoolander!)

Getting back on track...
According to a Daily Courier article "What makes us Southern", the answer is:

Dialect: We have all heard a Southern Accent. But… there is Southern and then there is Suuutherrrnnnn. It ranges from a cute little twang... to downright unrecognizable English.

Southern Slang Dictionary:

(for real life examples check out this video... and this one )

Monogram- Your initials put on EVERYTHING so you can tell you and 

your roommates clothes apart.

Y'all- A large or small group of people. Or just vague generalization.

Shiiiiiit- The Southern version of a 4-letter expletive --- 

the longer the "i" lasts the more severe the situation.

"Let me tell you something..."- I am about to tell you why you're wrong and I'm right. 

Don't argue. Just shut up and listen.

Puddin'- A term of endearment. Sometimes in a sarcastic manner. 

(See also: goober, sugar, sweetie pie, honeybunch, buttercup. etc.)

Food: Must love Sweet Tea. Fried Chicken. Fried anything, really. Hush Puppies. and apparently Grits. (although the last is debatable)

Hunting & Fishing: Anything that gives men any excuse to carry a gun and dress in camo.

Large Family Gatherings: While not everyone is The Brady Bunch… there is definitely a closeness that comes with a Southern family. (cue West Virginia incest jokes...) NOT WHAT I MEANT!
It feels like "Southern Style" families make more time for each other.

Hospitality: I have seen the less than hospitable side of the South but I guarantee every Southerner thinks they are the "sweetest" person they know. They tend to be a little ignorant to any "less than friendly" acts they perpetrate.
As if saying "Bless Her Heart" makes your snotty remark acceptable. And warning: Nothing nice comes after "No Offense, but..."... They pretty much just told you what comes next is going to offend you.

Traditions: Can't argue with this one. From weddings to holidays, the south is full of traditions. Heaven forbid we celebrate Christmas without a boatload of my late Grandmother's famous Twist Rolls.

Manners: We may curse your ass out… but at the end, when we are done, you are sure as hell gonna hear a "Thank You". Our manners follow us to the end of the earth.

I had a professor in college who refused to EVER walk in the door before a woman-- he insisted on holding the door for you. I actually think he would hold it all day if you made him (but no one would do that… the man is the spitting image of Santa Claus dressed in a Seersucker suit straight off the professor from The Water Boy) 

 And don't you dare forget to send a Thank You Note... in my family that was a real quick way to get on the list of ungrateful little shits who get written out of the will.

In the end...

"Simply put, we value tradition, manners and our families.
The South — wherever it may be — is a place of good living, pleasant people, abundant dinners and beautiful drives. Southern life is about family, friends and making the most out of life no matter how humble it may be."  -ALYSSA MULLIGER 

With Love, 
J.