Addictions, Pt.1: Why Having a Child is Like a Drug Addiction

On top of my un-diagnosed ADHD and my inability to complete a task... I have an addictive personality.
I've managed to make it 26 years without establishing a drug or alcohol problem (although there was a questionable period of time during my Senior year of College)
BUT I have other addictions. Lots of them. And I plan to use this Blog as my own form of AA-- we shall call it Addicts Anonymous.

My name is Joanna and I'm addicted to...
Online Flash Sales (DAMN YOU, KATE SPADE!)
Coffee
Diet Coke
Breakfast Foods
Chocolate
etc.

And while I plan to explore all of these addictions (and more) in this blog-- I figured I should start with my most recent and most consuming addiction. I mean my life literally revolves around this object. I've never been addicted to drugs but I feel like this is the closest I have come.

So...
Let me introduce to you, Exhibit A: My Daughter.

Is she not the cutest thing you have ever seen?

**For those of you non-parents reading this entry, let me start by saying: I understand how you feel right now. The eye-roll and the sudden urge to vomit as yet another parent starts GUSHING about their offspring. Please! No more stories involving dirty diapers, random objects being lodged in a child's nose and that time they did the CUTEST thing... 

I'm sorry. I was once in your position. It was not that long ago that the mention of someone's child incited the same reaction. And all you're doing from that moment on is wishing we could rewind time to when we all were child-free and we'd sit around talking about boys/girls, the latest episode of some reality TV show, and play Power Hour.

Buuut... I digress...
Back to my adorable child and most crippling obsession.

My daughter, who I shall refer to as CD, is just over 6 months old.
And for the last 6 months my life has revolved around her smiles, dirty diapers, spit up and blue eyes... And I don't even care!
I can't even remember what my life used to be like before I was a mom-- a whopping 7 months ago (well... 17 months if you include the GLORIOUS time I spent as a human incubator)

What exactly did I do all day when I wasn't reading mommy blogs and child development books or trying to teach my daughter to say "mama" (Because that girl is going to be in some SERIOUS trouble if she chooses to acknowledge her father before me. I spent 10 months SOBER for you, kid! I deserve some credit and some respect!)

So... Why do I consider this an ADDICTION rather than an OBSESSION?
First, a little background -- courtesy of Dictionary.com:
Addiction: (noun) the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.
Obsession: (noun) 1. the domination of one's thoughts or feelings by a persistent idea, image, desire, etc.; 2. a persistent idea or impulse that continually forces its way into consciousness, often associated with anxiety and mental illness. 

Its clear to me (and probably to other parents) why the love for a child is more of an addiction and not an obsession... but for you non-parents, I am more than happy to explain.

I went on "the Google" and looked up 10 signs of Addiction --
So Here Goes...

10 Reasons Having a Child is Like Having a Drug Addiction
1. You Question whether or not you have an addiction.

       Is this blog evidence enough? 

       I am literally writing an entire novel about my possible addiction to my child. 

       Case Closed.

2. You can never get enough.

      This one is a little tougher to explain.

       Parents will all tell you at one point or another they have had ENOUGH of their kids. 

       BUT... I do believe in those instances they are just overwhelmed and exhausted. 

       At no point would they actually send their kids up the river or put them up for sale in the yard 

       (Although I'm sure many have threatened it once or twice)

3. You spend all of your time thinking about the object of your addiction.
       When it comes to drugs or alcohol-- you continually think about where your next drink or "fix" is coming from... But when it comes to kids, its a little simpler.
        No matter what you're doing or where you are...at some point, something is going to make you think about, obsess about and, in some cases, miss your child.
       FOR EXAMPLE:
       I was once told that men and women react differently to having photos of their children on their desk at work-- 
       Men tend to use the image as motivation to work harder and make more money... 
      Women, however, are distracted by the image and tend to get less work done. SO TRUE!
      My desktop background at work is a slideshow of adorable pictures of my daughter... and I have caught myself at least 50 times staring at the screen and smiling uncontrollably...
      or I catch myself talking cutesy baby-talk to my computer monitor.
     (Luckily, no one at work has caught on to this ... yet)

4. Your addiction has caused you to miss work, school or a social occasion.
       As if this needs explaining.
       My daughter's battle with Bronchitis kept me and my husband from work for almost a full week.
       And I don't even remember what a "social occasion" is anymore. Just kidding! Sort of... But it definitely makes social outings way more complicated and (almost) not even worth the trouble.
      "Who can keep the baby?"
      "Who will stay sober enough to drive us to the babysitter and then back home?"
      "How much is this damn party/event going to cost us? between the babysitting, drinks, food..."
      "What do we need to pack for the 4 hours the baby is going to be with the babysitter?"
(The Answer: EVERYTHING. Literally, EVERYTHING IN YOUR HOUSE. Toys. 5 changes of clothes. Just in case. 30 diapers. Just in case. 2 boxes of wipes. Just in case. 3 pacifiers. Just in case. 6 bottles. Just in case... you get the point. Packing for a 4 hour outing is like packing for a 5-day vacation.)

5. You have to increase the frequency or intensity of the behavior to get the desired effect.
      In the case of drugs, this means increasing your "dose"...
      In the case of children, this means increasing the time you get to spend with them.
      And as a "Working Mom" let me tell you... time is precious. I wish I could spend every minute of every day snuggled up with my little one. It may sound extreme, but its the truth. I find myself staring at the video baby monitor while she's sleeping in her crib WISHING she would wake-up so I can snuggle her. Or wishing she was a little older so she could come into our bed and sleep with me!

6. If you're not using you feel anxious, restless or sorry for yourself.
7. When you are not using it is all you can think about.
       These two can be explained in the same way:
       It is hard to explain the anxiety that comes from being away from your child.
       The "not knowing" if everything is okay ... to the sinking feeling in your stomach that something is wrong. You just KNOW it.
       Hence the annoying 15 calls to the babysitting during your 2-hour dinner. Poor, Babysitter.
       Basically your mind is constantly consumed with your child.
       You can't help it. Nor should you. Your kid is cute and fun--- so why not think about squeezing her little cheeks all day? (just me?)

8. You are defensive about it when someone asks you about your behavior or substance of choice.
      "I feel like all you talk about these days is your child!"
       Non- parents: Danger, Will Robinson!
       This is a dangerous accusation. Either A) you're gonna bring out the "mama bear" and get appendages ripped off while he/she is putting you in your place for being an insensitive, self-involved asshole or B) you're gonna make him/her feel like a total douche for dominating the conversation with kid stories.
      Please Understand... it is NOT our fault.
      Look back at #6 and #7...it is unavoidable.
      EVERYTHING makes us think of our children. Please accept that and move on.
      There isn't a recovery program for Child Obsession (yet) and until there is you either have to deal with it, or risk the possibility that you may lose a friend by ticking them off and addressing the issue-- just like with drug addicts. Approach with caution.

9. You blame your behavior on other people or circumstances.
       I can't even count the number of times I've said "Well if she wasn't so cute I wouldn't...."
       It's her fault. CD is so stinkin' cute that I can do nothing but discuss her latest milestone and most adorable interactions. If she was an ugly, boring baby I would have nothing to talk about.

and finally...
10. The behavior is causing problems in your life.
       HAH! Understatement of the Century! Thank you, Captain Obvious!
       In the last 6 months I have:
           -Had screaming matches with my husband about poop, vomit, laundry, and countless othe ridiculous issues.
           - Gone to work with shit on my shirt. Literally, I had shit on my shirt. And I worked the entire day like that... What? You got a problem with that?
           - Broken my toe tripping over a piece of baby furniture (DAMN YOU SNUGGAMONKEY SLEEPER!)
           - Hired a cleaning lady because I do not have the time, patience or energy to clean my house (and I refuse to have ANOTHER fight with my husband about his idea of "clean")
         And that is just the beginning...
         Having a kid is like nothing else in this world. It is the most disruptive thing that can happen.
        As I have told multiple friends--- "Having CD is something I would not trade for the world because she means the world to me... but I would not recommend it to other people."
        Before you hate on me for that statement.. Let me explain!
        There is no "good time" to have a baby.
        If your idea of a fun Friday night is taking turns rocking the baby until she finally stops crying and falls asleep-- then having a kid is for you!
        If you love cleaning up other people's shit and vomit-- go ahead, make a baby!
        If you think lullabys and annoying kid cartoons are the greatest things on the planet -- and you want to have those annoying songs stuck in your head ALL DAMN DAY-- please, by all means, be my guest: Procreate.

All of the good things really do outweigh the bad... trust me. But that doesn't make it any easier.    
Becoming a parent is the most overwhelming experience I have ever had.
And I mean that in both the good and bad way...

So... for anyone reading this, please understand, we just can't help ourselves.
Our kids are like crack. Deal with it.
(and if you're not ready for this type of addiction... please. by all means. help everyone out and refer to this article about Effective Birth Control methods.)

With Love, 
J.

Oh, why not.
One more adorable picture for the road...

Couldn't you just eat her up?
Eh, maybe its just me.